Thursday, March 12, 2015

So You've Joined a Dating Site!

So you've realized that your cat has seen you shoveling junk food into your face in a dirty sweatshirt. You have no excuses left for your mother. You have completely given up on ever bumping into the love of your life in a crazy, wacky happenstance.

You have joined a dating site.

It's really not as shameful as all that.[1] In fact, “meeting” online is about as common amongst active couples now as meeting in a bar or a party. The only thing embarrassing about meeting on a dating app now is potentially meeting on the wrong dating app….

Which Dating Site is Right for me?

You’re going to want to ask yourself a few questions to see which social network is right for you. Look into your interests, your intentions; look into your heart, and see what it is that you desire most.

“I want a date.” - You should join OKCupid. Free, straight-forward, lots of menu options, and the ability to both see a plethora of singles around you, and swipe left/right on whatever randoms the app’s code gremlins decide you should be paired up with. *Warning* Users will be notified every time you look at their profile, so stalk sparingly.
“I want a husband.” - Join You’ve seen the kindly old man giving advice to weirdly forthright strangers and grandchildren. You know the drill. It’s paid, but you get the guarantee that every user you see wants the same things you do. Basically, it’s Hello, Dolly with less Walter Matthau.
“My mother wants a husband.” - eHarmony. It’s for old people. That’s the joke.

“I want a black husband.” - Join
“I want a white husband.” - Join
"My aunt has run out of promising single men from her church to set me up with. - Also BlackPeopleMeet.
“I want to meet a bunch of Russians trying to sell me products and/or services.” - Join Zoosk.
I want to date a preferably overweight black or Latin girl, or maybe an emaciated white-trash druggie. - Give Blendr a shot!
“I wanna fuck!” - You think you want to join but that’s really not what Tinder is for….
“I wonder who I know nearby. - This is what Tinder is actually about.
“Why do all my friends seem to have hot friends?” - Try Hinge.
"I want the gay version of Blendr, but with even more spambots.” - Get Grindr.
“I like Tinder better, but I'm gay and I want to fuck NOW. - Try Scruff. It’s like what suburban college kids hope and middle-aged parents fear Tinder is actually like. Except, you know, exclusively penises.
"I/We want a threesome, exclusively. - Download 3nder, now that you don’t have to sign in with Facebook.
“I wanna bang one of my Facebook friends and secretly hope they want to bang me too.”  - Download DOWN and hope your Facebook info is encoded property.
“I’m an upper-middle class Jew looking for an Asian woman to indulge the cultural taboo of infuriating all our grandmothers. - Try Coffee Meets Bagel.
“Actually, I’m just looking to buy a hooker and also sell a weedwacker.” - You, my friend, are a master of Craigslist multitasking.
“I’m looking to buy a hooker and also not get busted because ‘she’ was a cop.” - Try BackPage, just use a TOR browser anonymized through and offshore proxy server.
I want to sift through ugly people and fake profiles to find a threesome or a non-passing part-time transvestite. - AdultFriendFinder
AdultFriendFinder is great but I want BDSM specifics, but haven't checked signed on in a year so I don't know the website is dead.” - You … are already signed up with CollarMe.
I was beat up a lot in high school but I also want to meet a hot, kinky person who loves me for who I am and is into the same porn I like. Also, I really miss MySpace. - Sign up for FetLife.
“I want you to call me ‘Vladimir’ and I really miss MySpace.” - Is still a thing?

[1] I mean, unless you build a blank or fake profile exclusively for the voyeuristic purpose of lurking and checking out your neighbors. Then, yeah, you should probably feel a little shame about that.

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