5½ Requirements to Not F@#% Up Star Wars: The Force Awakens

With the premiere of Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awaken's second teaser trailer, I have once again failed to temper the rambunctious joy and hope that riles beneath my cultivated cold and collected nerd exterior.

I squealed. I squealed like a child. I tried not to, but then I thought back to seeing Episode I for the first time, the only time I've been able to see a Star Wars premier and really not know what I was getting into. Secrecy has not been a part of Star Wars debuts to this extent since George Lucas dressed his crew in "Blue Harvest" caps and gear while filming in Tunisia. I imagined watching a ship I have never seen of read about fly across the screen for the first time, and I squealed, alone, in my car, and feared that somehow other drivers still heard me.

J.J. Abrams, please don't hurt me.

It's very simple. There are only a few things you need to do for me to accept this as a valid Star Wars movie. I'll give it it's own separate canon, call it "Disney Wars" or whatever, I really don't mind. I've gone through most of the stages of nerd grief. Fulfill the following obligations and your odds of successfully becoming a part of a "nonology" will be approximately 3,720:1.

FOX Should Give Up Their Futile Attempts at Making the Fantastic Four Work

 Marvel comics recently announced the cessation of the Fantastic Four comic series. The characters still exist within the grander Marvel Universe (616 and others), however they will no longer headline their own series. This is part of Marvel’s plan to cut off or at least shave down their noses a bit to spite the last remaining film properties not in-house.

With the absorption of Sony’s future Spider-Man films under the Marvel cinematic licensing world, only FOX’s X-Men (and therefor the coming Deadpool movie/franchise) and Fantastic Four franchises remain out of their control. As part of the announcement, Marvel has also ceased new character creation for the X-Men titles (let FOX do their own work) and announced they’d be “killing off” the seemingly immortal Deadpool.[1]

This doesn’t actually impact FOX’s Fantastic Four reboot all that much. Partly, this new film appears to diverge heavily from accepted canon, favoring a liberal adaptation of Marvel’s “Ultimate” universe origin story for the FF, where they’re trying to go dimension-hopping rather than experience an accident in space.

Do the Avengers Have Civil Right? and For Whom Would They Vote?

The question of under whose authority the Avengers fall isn’t exactly hotly debated. I mean, in-universe it is, chiefly by middling, conniving, “Hail Hydra”-whispering politicians, but not really amongst their fans, be they real or imaginary. By nature these powered people are extra-governmental, at best work in tandem with the U.S. government, at worst openly opposing it. Many of the Avengers could and have been designated as enemy combatants, while a few might not even be classified as “alive.” Which actually raises a more interesting question:

Do The Avengers Have Rights?

"Event Television" is the Death Knell of Network TV

Certain shows have been good for television as a medium in the last few years. Complex storytelling, compelling antiheroes, and gray morality have turned water cooler talk from Desperate Housewives to "I can't believe Walt fucking [SPOILERED] [CHARACTER]." It’s essentially the same conversation when you remove the verbs, but suffice it to say that a high-maintenance cosmetic surgery addict is fairly distinct from a meth-cooking recovering cancer patient with a Napoleon complex. Certainly, the meth cook is more readily likable.

"Event Television" is being touted a lot right now. It's not a new idea, but it's the first time an old format has spurred so many producers to attempt to make money by creating grand, intricate shows that–frankly–cost a hell of a lot of money to produce. Let us be clear: it is wonderful that networks are shilling out crazy gobs of cash to put together smart scripts, talented actors, and vision-filled producers and directors, and effectively giving them creative license to do what they think works best for the show. All of those things foster creativity and a generally better story. This is good.