Wednesday, May 25, 2016

CW's Flash Just Hit the Reset Button Again – Here's What You Need to Know

In the wake of last night's Flash finale, the writing team behind the series has once again declared that continuity is for the weak. Depending on how you look at it, this actually marks the fifth major revision to The Flash's timeline. So where does that leave Barry and the gang?

Spoilers to follow, obviously.

Timeline Alpha


Friday, April 15, 2016

All the Best George Foremans, Ranked

  1. George Foreman
    World Heavyweight champion, entrepreneur–and fellow "George" enthusiast–George is the quintessence of what it means to be a George Foreman. Utterly. That said, I did considered bumping him to the #2 slot as his grill is a complete bitch to clean.

  2. George Foreman III
    A boxer like his father, George III "Monk" Foreman finished his heavyweight career 16-0. Sixteen-and-oh. Fifteen of those? K.O.s. The sixteenth? Unanimous decision. That's a hell of a record. Basically, he's George 2.0, which makes George III my George #2.

  3. Georgetta Foreman
    Georgetta is a television producer. She spent ten years on Divorce Court and the last five on Let's Make a Deal, all following her stint on the six-episode Foreman family reality series Family Foreman. Heck yeah.

  4. George Foreman Jr.
    Parlayed his father's grill empire into a successful business career for himself, despite "never [taking] math in college." Neither did I, Jr. Neither did I.

  5. George Foreman IV "Big Wheel"
    Publicist for the Foreman clan. He also manages the George Foreman Youth Center in Houston, TX where he teaches boxing to kids. He is by far the best looking of the Georges.

  6. George Foreman VI "Little Joey"
    I mean damn if this kid wasn't George Prime's Mini Me. If someone were casting for the Foreman Kids Mysteries, Joey'd have my vote for the role of George. (Shut up, I know that's not how casting works.)

  7. George Foreman V "Red"
    I lied. George V is the looker of the family. However he was also arrested in 2014 for choking his wife. This makes him the undisputed worst George Foreman ever. Didn't mean to end on such a reprehensible down note. I'm … starting to think this list should have been a countdown.

 Let's just remember the happier days.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016


Metropolis (AP) - Doctors declared Krypton’s Last Son dead at 7:24 a.m. Sunday, citing the official cause of death as multiple organ system failure, resulting from metastasized cancer.

The declaration came after a four month period in which Superman's body was meticulously studied and observed for even the minutest signs of life, following the several instances in which the "Man of Steel" had previously been declared dead but then later wasn’t anymore.

"We’re pretty sure this time," said S.T.A.R. Labs' professor Emil Hamilton. "Activity has ceased on the cellular level. The solar batteries in his cells are dry and, frankly, he has begun to smell a bit. I’m afraid this time it’s the real thing."

Superman dropped out of the spotlight last May, announcing his illness in a press conference only just recently. "I didn’t want people to know," said the Man of Steel. "I didn’t want them to lose hope. I didn’t want criminals to think they could just wait me out, that they could hide from the unstoppable forces of Justice. Recently, however, it has become clear that I am no longer capable of being such a force."

Superman entered treatment at S.T.A.R. Labs last Christmas, after he collapsed during a minor scuffle with low-level criminal The Shadow.

"I hit him and he just went down," said The Shadow. "It wasn’t right. I mean I'm not super strong, you know? So I called for an ambulance and waited with him until they arrived. I was worried. That's just … that's not Superman, you know?"

It wasn't for many weeks yet that the diagnosis would become public. Dr. Hamilton first broke the news to a shocked public:

"It is not inoperable, but with Superman’s dense cellular structure, it might as well be. We will be starting an intensive chemotherapy regimen immediately."

In their announcement yesterday, S.T.A.R. Labs assured the public that every course of treatment had been exhausted–sunlamps, red-light operating rooms, even Green Lantern’s attempt to fly Superman directly into the sun–until Superman finally passed gracefully in his bed.

Scientists believe the cancer was originally brought on by prolonged exposure to Kryptonian insulation at the Fortress of Solitude, similar in its atomic structure to Earth-based asbestos.

"Kryptonite has been known to cause cancer in prolonged doses," said Hamilton. "Luthor lost his right hand to his Kryptonite ring back in the '90s. We are currently working under the theory that part of the Fortress of Solitude’s Kryptonite naturally degraded over time into green Kryptonite, and small quantities of this built up enough to affect even Superman’s exceptional physiology."

Metropolis socialite and on-again, off-again criminal mastermind Lex Luthor hosted a memorial service at Lex Corp.'s downtown headquarters Saturday.

"He was a worthy adversary. I’d thought us destined to quarrel until the end of time. As much as we fought, it is only now that I come to realize that my single greatest regret will not be that I did not kill him myself, but that my life will not end with his, though it might as well have."

Luthor followed this stirring eulogy by bursting into tears and hurling himself into the memorial grave site in Metropolis Park, reportedly shouting, "Why can’t I quit you?" several times.

Moved just as much was reporter and long-rumored Superman paramor Lois Lane. "I knew something was wrong, but he refused to say anything," Miss Lane said after the ceremony. "I knew something was wrong when he forgot to pull out and it didn't shoot a hole through my back. I should have said something!"

Professor Hamilton was on hand, to attest to the relative impossibility of attempting to give Superman a prostate exam. "His sphincter was just too powerful, my dear. There was nothing you or anyone could have done. Especially not with hands as large as yours."

Smallville yokel Martha Kent, in attendance, had this to say: "He was my son! I made him his cape from a blanket he came wrapped in as a baby in a rocket ship that my late husband and I kept at our farm until our son took it away with him! He was a good son! He didn’t deserve this!" Mrs. Kent, just one of many claiming to be part of the Superman Estate, burst into tears when Professor Hamilton pointed out the shear impossibility of sewing an indestructible cloth.

Thousands of Metropolis residents are expected to pay there respects over the next few days, as millions more mourn around the world. Dozens of Powers were on hand for the ceremony at Lex Corp., including the JLA, JLU, TTs E and W, as well as Aquaman. Only Batman was not in attendance, though several eyewitnesses reported seeing a dark shadow skulking around the rooftops of adjacent buildings despite bright, clear weather all day.

All spoke words of deep sorrow at the world's loss. Green Arrow chose to highlight Superman's accomplishments in the fields of humanitarian aid and world peace–despite being a capitalist dog–while Wonder Woman focused on the inadequacies and faults of the male-dominated society that led to faulty Kryptonian-Terran hybrid architecture.

The Last Son of Krypton is survived by Supergirl, Power Girl, several Superboys, Bizarro, Eradicator, Braniac, Faora, Zod and several other Phantom Zone Kryptonians, Earth-2 Superman, Pre-Crisis Superman, Composite Superman, multiple future Supermen, the Superman Robots, Krypto, and Streaky the Super Cat. He will be missed.

Tuesday, December 15, 2015

"Entry Level" No Longer Means "Entry" Level, and We Are All of Us Unqualified

I've worked at the largest chain book store in the country for the past four years. As a writer and a person, it's been good for me. I learned better how to interact with people–specifically strangers who want things I may or may not be able to give them, and how to handle myself when I can't. Additionally, it introduced me more thoroughly to the landscape of e-books, e-readers, and digital publishing. Last year I self-published my own book because I could. I got tired of shopping it around to agents with just a proposal for a work that was essentially done. I knew design, I knew editing, I learned the software, and I poured over copyright law and production costs. I created a finished product orders of magnitude beyond some of what I shelve on a daily basis. This job has been very, very good for me.

Monday, December 7, 2015

Fan Theory Turns THE FLASH Season 2 into 'The Empire Strikes Back'

Fan theories speculating about the identity of Season 2 Big Bad "Zoom" have been brewing for a while now, and the approaching mid-season finale might bring some of the speculation into canon.

Possible spoilers ahead, if I'm as smart as I think I am….

Saturday, August 22, 2015

Star Wars vs. Star Trek: Ships

I became infuriated recently after seeing a clip of professional Mythbuster and nerd king Adam Savage responding–amidst many others–to the question “Who would win in a fight: the Millennium Falcon or the starship Enterprise?” I wasn’t particularly upset by his answer; at face value the Enterprise is certainly a more strategically capable vessel. What bothered me was Savage’s scoffing at the question. Yes, the question seems meaningless even among nerds who accept that the ships work on entirely different technologies, scales, and aren’t even in the same class of vehicle. But Adam was so dismissive about the question from the “numbers involved” that it seemed ridiculous to bother investigating. Sir, that is precisely the bread and butter you spread up it.

So I began researching. I started jotting down particular specs and methods by which to equate them. I’m surprised but not even embarrassed by how much data I was able to pull just from my personal bookshelf. The greatest difficulty in this matter is in fact the truth that the Millennium Falcon is a (highly modified) light freighter, and the Enterprise is a military flagship. It would make more sense to compare the Enterprise to, say, a Star Destroyer than a small shipping vessel.

Sunday, August 9, 2015

How 'Big' is the 'Game of Thrones' World?

Let me be clear: I am in no way questioning the size of its fanbase or the sprawling narrative that is A Song of Ice and Fire." I am not the type of nerd to belittle any particular fandom or its accomplishments, even those to which I don't personally belong. No, I'm the type of nerd who needs to functionally quantify how those worlds work until I am either sufficiently assuaged or beaten by those next to me into a light coma.

When I ask, "How big is the Game of Thrones world?" I'm asking if the continents we've seen make up the bulk or simply a small fraction of their world's landmasses. I'm asking if, like James Cameron's Pandora, the planet is physically smaller than Earth and–having a potentially lower mass–the gravity is weak enough to allow large reptiles to grow in an oxygen-rich atmosphere and ascend to the skies on leathery wings. Does rain fall less forcefully? Are the blows from the executioner's blade less powerful? How high would Ned Stark's skull bounce? More pressing, narratively, is there an entire world of events happening outside the scope of this franchise waiting to be mined for ideas? Other civilizations at different technological levels inhabiting the same celestial sphere?