Thursday, April 16, 2015

5½ Requirements to Not F@#% Up Star Wars: The Force Awakens

With the premiere of Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awaken's second teaser trailer, I have once again failed to temper the rambunctious joy and hope that riles beneath my cultivated cold and collected nerd exterior.

I squealed. I squealed like a child. I tried not to, but then I thought back to seeing Episode I for the first time, the only time I've been able to see a Star Wars premier and really not know what I was getting into. Secrecy has not been a part of Star Wars debuts to this extent since George Lucas dressed his crew in "Blue Harvest" caps and gear while filming in Tunisia. I imagined watching a ship I have never seen of read about fly across the screen for the first time, and I squealed, alone, in my car, and feared that somehow other drivers still heard me.

J.J. Abrams, please don't hurt me.

It's very simple. There are only a few things you need to do for me to accept this as a valid Star Wars movie. I'll give it it's own separate canon, call it "Disney Wars" or whatever, I really don't mind. I've gone through most of the stages of nerd grief. Fulfill the following obligations and your odds of successfully becoming a part of a "nonology" will be approximately 3,720:1.