Thursday, April 16, 2015

5½ Requirements to Not F@#% Up Star Wars: The Force Awakens

With the premiere of Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awaken's second teaser trailer, I have once again failed to temper the rambunctious joy and hope that riles beneath my cultivated cold and collected nerd exterior.

I squealed. I squealed like a child. I tried not to, but then I thought back to seeing Episode I for the first time, the only time I've been able to see a Star Wars premier and really not know what I was getting into. Secrecy has not been a part of Star Wars debuts to this extent since George Lucas dressed his crew in "Blue Harvest" caps and gear while filming in Tunisia. I imagined watching a ship I have never seen of read about fly across the screen for the first time, and I squealed, alone, in my car, and feared that somehow other drivers still heard me.

J.J. Abrams, please don't hurt me.

It's very simple. There are only a few things you need to do for me to accept this as a valid Star Wars movie. I'll give it it's own separate canon, call it "Disney Wars" or whatever, I really don't mind. I've gone through most of the stages of nerd grief. Fulfill the following obligations and your odds of successfully becoming a part of a "nonology" will be approximately 3,720:1.

1. The Opening Sequence


Fine. Put a little Disney logo first, but after that you get exactly one chance at not fucking this up: LucasFilm logo, "A long time ago…" blue text, John Williams classic score, yellow title crawl with some stilted language, and then pan down to reveal a ship or large object in space and a ship flying past it. This is non-negotiable on all counts.

2. Amputation

Someone gets a hand chopped off with a lightsaber. I mean I guess it can be something else doing the cutting, but it definitely needs to be a hand. Even Lucas got faulted for only bisecting a dude in Episode I, and you don't want that movie as your high-bar. 

3. Someone says, "I have a a bad feeling about this."

At least once.

4. No Hayden Christensen

I didn't even have to add "Tupac" to Google to find this, just "Hayden Christensen Ghost". This is a Page 1 result, right here.

Anakin Skywalker doesn't come back as a Force Ghost. For them matter, neither does Obi-Wan. Please avoid Qui-Gon and even Yoda. Save that crap for the stand-alones. We don't need any Tupacs up in here. 

5. That crossguard lightsaber better get used.

Listen, it's got to be one of two ways: either it duels another saber as designed and functions efficiently and fatally, or it has the exact flaw fans have been arguing since it debuted and the extra emitters get chopped off immediately for being impractical. 

Bonus: Never use the word "Meesa."

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