"Doctor Who's on First"

Barnes & Noble is about to start it's second annual "Get Pop Cultured" event this July. Among other events, the kick-off is going to be a "Throwback Thursdays" series beginning on July 2nd (1950s first) and Time Travel Weekend Friday through Monday. Friday the third specifically is "Doctor Who Day," featuring trivia events and giveaways, TARDIS standees and photo ops, and costumes.

And if I have my way, the following two-player sketch.



"Doctor Who's on First" requires two volunteers, A and B, preferably each versed in Doctor Who enough to recognize their own wordplay, although this is not necessary. A is the long-suffering type, new to Barnes & Noble's Get Pop Cultured events, and B is the "straight man," tasked with explanation.

Print two copies and highlight one set of dialogue each, for ease of the volunteers.

B is already on stage, and A enters.

A: Okay, so explain this "Get Pop Cultured" thing to me.

B: Alright. So, we're starting with Doctor Who.

A: [Casually, as if not hearing] Hmm?

B: Doctor Who.

A: I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.

B: I said we're starting with Doctor Who.

A: What are you asking me for?

B: I'm not, I'm telling you what we're starting with.

A: Doctor who??

B: Yeah. He's first.

A: Who is?

B: Exactly.

A: "Exactly"?

B: Exactly.

A: Okay, so we're starting with Doctor Exactly.

B: No, Doctor Who.

A: "Exactly."

B: Exactly!

A: That's what I said!

B: No, the name of the Doctor is Who!

In unison: EXACTLY!

[Take a beat]

A: Okay, stop. Just-- Tell me the name of the Bad Guy.

B: "Master."

A: … Are you a butler?

B: Who?

A: Don't get lost on me, now. The bad guy. What's his name?

B: Master.

A: Stop calling me that!

B: Stop calling you what?

A: "Master."

B: What about him?

A: I'm not your master!

B: [resignation] Yeah, well, you're sure acting like it.

A: Stop it. Just … who is the bad guy of the show?

B: NO, Who is THE DOCTOR!

A : [Sternly, pointing finger] LEAVE HIM OUT OF THIS! What is the name of the BAD guy??

B: "Master."

A: [narrowing eyes] … is this like a 50 Shades thing for you??

B: What?

A: (Rubbing eyes) Look, the bad guy….

B: Master?

A: I'M NOT YOUR--!! … Who is the bad guy?

B: No, Who is the Doctor!

A: I DONT CARE ANYMORE!!

B: Well clearly.

[beat]

A: Let's try this another way. Is there a girl at all?

B: [cheerfully] Oh, several.

A: Fantastic! [beat] Okay, which one's the most recent?

B: Clara.

A: Clara?

B: The Impossible Girl.

A: But she's a girl?

B: Clearly.

A: Clara?

B: Clearly.

A: Okay. So "Clearly," then, does she have a way of contacting the Doctor?

B: Of course.

A: And when she does, what does Clearly call him?

B: "Clara"?

A: Clearly does?

B: Every time.

A: So she calls him "Doctor Clearly"?

B: She doesn't mumble.

A: So his name is "Doctor Clearly"

B: Naturally.

A: Naturally?

B: Naturally.

A: …She calls him–the Doctor–"Clearly Naturally"?

B: Well, that's his name.

A: "Naturally"?

B: Well no, he chose it.

A: Chose what?

B: His name.

A: He chose the name "Clearly Naturally"?

B: Well kind of.

A: How can he be kind of named that??

B: Well he had one name but then he chose to be "The Doctor".

A: Well then what was that name?

B: "The Doctor"?

A: Before he was a Doctor!

B: Nobody knows.

A: Nobody knows?

B: Nobody knows.

A: But what about "Clearly Naturally"?

B: Well, Clara knows, but it's certainly not naturally.

[beat]

A: [exasperated] Is there literally anybody else who knows??

B: River.

A: What River?

B: River Song.

A: The river has a song now?

B: What? No! Well, like, a musical cue maybe.

A: Whose song?

B: The Tenth's.

A: The tenth river's song.

B: Yep.

A: And this tenth river's song knows the name??

B: Who's name.

A: Naturally.

B: She sure does.

A: [white girl can't even done] STOP.

B: [waits]

A: THIS OTHER GIRL WHO KNOWS THE DOCTOR'S NAME.

B: …yes?

A: WHAT DOES SHE CALL HIM??

B: [seductively] "Sweetie…."

[End.]